Ambien. No doubt about it.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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