I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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