If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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