im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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