Jerry, you need to find god
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
why do cheetos always look like penises
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
