i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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