I need to stop coming to work sober
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Pooping to opera.
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