just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize