Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
