I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
