He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
