i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
