I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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