If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
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