Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
