I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
