Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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