Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
