This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
