It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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