When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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