Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Michael Bay diarrhea
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
