My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
