I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
