for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
