puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
