Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
