Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
