I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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