i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
