Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
