Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
