i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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