Old men and throwing up are my life now.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
