Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
