just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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