I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
dude. I can hear the air.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
