I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
