You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you had me at cake vodka
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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