u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
