Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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