The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
