I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
