they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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