The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
