Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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