Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize