guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
