Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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