my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
