Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
