it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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