She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
