dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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