Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
