You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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