ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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