I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
