I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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