I will die if light touches me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
