She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
