I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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