We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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