Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
