the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
my nose is crying tears of wow.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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