Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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