I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
