she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
