my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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